Thou Shalt Not Judge

Well, I've definitely been on a summer blog vacation. Imagine my shock when I thought I wrote my last entry only a couple weeks ago.... but it's been a month! Time flies when you are hibernating inside with your AC unit. My plan had been to write 2 entries a week. I guess 2 a month should perhaps be my new goal. Once again my son has taught me a lesson in being flexible.

For generations upon generations, parents have always said that your children are the ones that teach you life lessons, and not just the other way around. I never got this before. Nor did I spend too much energy wondering about it. But recently, I have been thinking about this a lot. Being a parent has most certainly taught me a lot about unconditional love, patience and selflessness. To be a halfway decent parent, you need to learn these oh-so-important character traits and embrace them. But what I didn't see coming, was what I would learn about being judgmental.

I never considered myself to be a particularly judgmental person. I never really gave it much thought actually. But being a parent suddenly made me think about this concept. Moms will always tell other moms when discussing parenting decisions: whatever works for you and your family. Translation: no judgment from me if you need to put your baby in a swing and blast country music just to get 6 hours of straight sleep! Because who are we to judge what is happening in your house, and what your families needs are. But I think as a mom, we often do feel like maybe we are being judged for the choices we make. Breastfeeding vs. formula. Cloth diapers vs. disposable. And when we feel like we in the presence of other moms who may behave differently than us, we feel the need to explain ourselves - so that they don't judge us and our choices. It can be down right exhausting.

Being in a mommy group - while amazing for the support it can bring - can also bring out the judge in all of us. We watch our friends and what they are doing with their children, and we ask ourselves - would we do the same thing? Is this something I would never consider? Is this something maybe I should consider? Do I think this person is downright crazy?? And do they think the same thing about me?? I feel fortunate for being in a group of ladies who openly discuss different parenting choices without being judgmental. Or at least I don't feel a big cloud of judgment hanging over us. I am sure there have been moments of unspoken opinions - but again, who are we to say what works for one family?? If no one is getting hurt, can it be all that bad?

Like I said, I never considered how judgment of others played any role in my life. Until I had a child. But now what I grapple with is this: does having an opinion about how someone else parents the same as judging them? And do we even have a right to have an opinion about anything outside of our family group? Is it just because we are insecure about our own parenting skills that we feel the need to even care about what others are doing? When a breastfeeding mom asks a formula mom why she didn't breastfeed - is she attacking that mom? Is she sitting in judgement of her choice?

Sometimes these seemingly benign questions make us feel so defensive, because really we are judging ourselves. When someone asks me if my child is crawling yet - and even though I know at 7 months old, this would be pretty advanced - I sometimes feel defensive. Like maybe if I had spent more energy on doing tummy time, he would be crawling already. And are they making a snap judgment on me as a parent because of my child's ability to crawl or not. I fail to realize that the person asking me has a 1o month old who is not yet crawling, and maybe they are just asking because they are fearing that their child is developmentally behind, and if my kid is already crawling that would just be the worst news ever. You can see how the mind of a mom can sometimes spin out of control.

So to all the Moms... take it easy on other moms. They are trying their best. Don't judge a person who has a backpack/leash on their child. Maybe their child wandered away once and it was the scariest 30 minutes of their life that they have vowed never to go through again. As parents, we will always question ourselves and whether or not we are doing all we can for our kids. But don't judge yourself to harshly. The fact alone that you do ask yourself this question, means you are doing a great job.